孬不好

我很孬，最近真的發現，我都表現孬的態度。

我可不想我人生的主題被孬貫穿。

機會來來去去 我都看看不去抓。

怕甚麼?
怕失敗
怕失了面子
怕被笑


怕東怕西，讓機會都溜走了。
因為害怕抓住我，所以I canot take control of my life.

God, help me!!!

你說呢?

分析再分析.
躊躇不前，再三考慮，
噩夢連連，半夜睡不著覺?

失去了出生之睹，不畏虎的 勇敢嘗試的心。



因應而生的是:
揪在心的痛苦
/雜亂的房間/久未洗滌的衣服/堆積沒洗的碗盤。

好煩.................................

我想當甚麼?

我喜歡煮菜，化妝，聽別人講故事。


我在考慮當，

心理師
廚師
彩妝師

新的想法

新的想法也是心的想法。

離張老師訓練的報名，也還有半年之久，
在那之前，我不妨就跟日料老闆娘連絡看看吧。

看是要當學徒還是請她當家教。



有這樣的想法，主要是和我公公講話完，覺得傷心人生茫茫，又看到D女的鼓勵。
突然有了這樣的新想法。

感謝主!!!

AMEN!

一池春水

害怕 總是容易"吹亂了一池的春水"。(看新聞，學到的俚語XD)

害怕 帶來放縱，總是屬於黑暗的，

我想要接近光，
卻因為害怕&放縱，

被困在黑暗裡。


唉...........

生活作息

親愛的天父， 我的生活作息一向是我人生的挑戰。 昨天我有跟您禱告。 今天9:58，鬧鐘響起以前您讓我突然清醒，不帶點一如往常熬夜的症候群:疲累&頭昏。 10:00鬧鐘準時響起。我清醒著。 J打電話給我，我腦中清醒著。 下午1~2點，垃圾車再叫，我依然清醒著。 我相信這是您再幫我。 即時知道這樣，我心中明顯感覺到，我自己"選擇"了被窩。 悔恨的結果，是我自己的"選擇"造成的。 哪怕只是我的生活作息，我到目前的人生恐怕也是如此。 主阿， 請用力調整我的人生與人生作息吧。 我不想放棄自己。 我願意把人生&人生作息交給您。 請給我多一點DISIPLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 奉主耶穌的名禱告， Amen

禱告: My wishes

親愛的天父，

請持續看顧我，幫助我成長吧。
請放多點信心在我心裡面吧，幫助我每天更相信您，和您的關係更親密。
我不喜歡，現在癱在那的生命，生命暫停太久，我都快被變木乃伊了我。

請用我，請改變我的心，轉換我的視野，讓我更感受您的愛。
請讓我更專注在您吧。

我想要改變現在的如攤子般的窘境。EX:生命，職涯，愛情，和家人的關係等。
我自己都不知道該怎麼做了。
腳步亂了，心慌了，生命停止，就是我現在的感覺。

請尋回迷途的小羊，看顧我，與我同在。
因為耶穌是我的神!

奉主耶穌的名禱告，
Amen

契機

今天和D女士出來聊天，
遇到大學朋友S。


上帝利用S回應我對國文教授&基督信仰的擺盪。
這次的相遇，讓我感覺上帝好像真的有在看顧我!!


太神奇了!!!!!!!!!


這網站重新開張!!!!

心中的俳句..

剛寫完那篇文章~心中突然有這些話

痛是要去面對的...
人是要去了解的...
當我們願意拋下自己所熟悉的模式,
走到對方的同一邊, 我們就在愛的路上成長!

想對爸爸說的肯定&鼓勵.

Dream!?

面對 想要的夢想我總是充滿 恐懼 ~~也絕得自己不可能.....

怪罪在自己的疤痕..

把自己關在恐懼的暗牢裡~自怨自艾的受害心態遮住我的心眼

世界的新鮮和多元可能性被我擋在外頭

以受害者心態得過且過 安全 乏味地活著 ....真的是很糟踏我自己&踐踏上帝給我的生命!

一昧地羨慕別人的勇敢嘗試&突破自我.

抱怨自己無聊的日子&工作 這個選擇背後象徵我只敢跳進社會洪流.活著別人認為"正常&還可以"的生活

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::2010開始:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

我不想要這樣地活著!!!!!!!!!!

即使自己認知不可能~~但我總得試看看.人生才活一次!

2010開始 現在此刻!我要帶著即使可能被拒絕的恐懼.....勇敢往前衝 向 "我心中的想要"!!!!!!!!

試過了,才算真正活著!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

為大目標準備.

從3/23開始 我要開始prepare myself!

My bodyshape, my english proficiency, and better understanding about that industry, and time management.

我要活著.

我可以做到!

God has the best plan for me.

All I need to do is make goood preparation, get ready, and try my best!!!!!!!!!!!!!

我不要再說:"I wish I could become...., but..."

我要說"I wanna be ..., and I am going to ... to make it come true!"

Girl friends!

今天~~我跟Jessica 約見面 ,Dorcus也來了.
We had a great time.
很感謝她們願意接納我!
After telling them that secret, they still treat me like a friend.
讓我鬆了一口氣!

回家的路上.雖然很累.但心情很輕快...

Until...

My dad told me that my sister, also my roommate, decided to go to China!!!!!!!!!!
I was so shocked with this news.

Oh...after a while, when my brain started working, maybe it's not that shocking.
My sister is that kind of person who listens to my dad more to herself.
I felt kinda of sad for her.
I don't like my dad for trying to arrange our future. (Even though I am not working right now, I have the right to stand out for myself. =_=!)

I was curious about her thoughts and feelings.
However, she told me she's still thinking about whether to go to China or not.
She said part of herself would be willing to try, not because of my dad.
"I know what I am doing. ", she added.



Maybe I worried too much for her.
She's already an growup, not a child anymore.
She will take care of the decision.
No need me to bother. (That's how I felt from her bodylanguage using her back to face my caring talk.)



I guess we are learning to be a growup in different ways.
@@??

So many things happened recently, not matter I am ready or not!?
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

很感謝主的amazing安排
讓我在決定練習跨出那一步 which took me like 3 and half years.有好的結果！
有成熟的朋友誠懇地接納我.支持我.鼓勵我.關心我。
這些基督徒的朋友　她們很成熟　
願意試著去了解我的痛。
願意試著put their foot in my shoes. (I meant, they have empathy.)
They are grateful for willing to tell the secret.
這讓我很驚訝～～～

跟我過去的高中朋友不一樣～～～（那時候.大家都還年輕吧. They did't know how to deal with pain.）
他們不想去處理沉重的話題。。。




These Christian girl friends' 友善的接納.鼓勵.& Care。
減少我的緊張和恐懼！ 減少我的緊張和恐懼！
培養我的勇氣　和信心！
讓我慢慢累積力量　走下去..
低潮的時候,我可以想到他們...原來我不是孤單地獨自面對一切！
女生朋友　真好的！！呵呵～


Thank you, Naomi, Jessica, Dorcus, and God!!

Breakthrough

March 9th is a big day for me.
I did something very unsual today.

I told Naomi about my secret, 我的手.
Naomi was the leader of my life group in my church.
We talked from 6:30-9:00pm. (Such a long time, I know! Thanks for her patience!!!)
We discussed about my fear, past expiernce, my friendships, relationships...etc.
She opened her arms and heart to accpet me.
She tried hard to understand my English fragment.=_=!
She tried her best to show her understanding and empathy to my feelings.
Most importantly, she cared about and accepted the imperfect me.
She was like an angel with a merciful heart!!

After revealing my secret to her, It feels so real and also unreal right now to be accepted completely by someone who is not my family.
Seemly, the world is becoming different from what I thought.
我好像比較接近 真實地活著 一步了!
這感覺真奇妙. What a relief!!!

New discoveries:
1.With her support, I felt less lonely facing my pain.

2. Her sincere acceptance melted the thick defensive wall of my cold heart a bit, so I could feel a little more alive, joyful and hopful.

3.She suggested me to focus on God instead of myself. The more I trust in God, the stronger my shield against lies(Social value) is. How God sees me is different from how people see me!?
我不是我的手臂.

4. There's one min that I seemed to see Jesus through Naomi. @@?
Unconditional acceptance sounds so unreal, but it really happened to me today.

It felt so gooooooooooooooood to be UNDERSTOOD and ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!

What an amazing day. (Still feel like so unbelievale. )
Thank God.
Thank you a million, Naomi.

I wish I could accept myself like how Naomi accepts me.
Some day.



BTW:
Another unbelievable thing is that I can't believe the last time I logined in this blogspot account is more than two years ago. It's long enough for me to forget the account name and password.
So, it took me a while to get back the information through some complicated Blogspot processing.
Anyway, good to be back to life and get connected with a real me.
Today's small step means huge to me.
Though a step-by-step practice, I wish I could live a real life with joy, hope, and surprise.
I am so tired of living in a safe zone.

實實在在以如實的我自在的過日子 -2010的new year resolution.

Future

God has a woderful plan for everyone.

My friend has gone to U.S.A to pursue master's degree.


I am really worried about what God's plan for me is .


In this summer vacation, I have been asked many times that "what is your future plan?"

"I don't know. Maybe an English teacher."
"I am not sure. I am still in the ongoing process of trying different things"

My friends and my relatives will no longer get satisfied by the answers above because I am going to be a senior.

So, instead, I give them such specific answer.
"Well, I guess I will work for probably a few years to make money, and go abroad to pusure my master's degree. After I get the degree, I would like to work for NPO."


That's my plan so far, but is that really what God wants for me ?


I am not sure.

I don't like the feeling of being unsure.

*Yay* One thing for sure is that I finally get the book "Blue like Jazz" after waiting for a weeks!!!Hahaha I am gonna read it this weekend. :) yayyayayayay

Back from Tainan

June 20, 2007 . I was planning to post this yesterday, but I was too tired. Here are wat I wrote yesterday.

Just being back from home, I am soooooooo exhausted.
Although I only spent less than 24 hrs in my parents’ house, it’s good to see them again after 3 months. I know it's kind of crazy to go there and come back within one day, but I just missed my family so much out of sudden after having potluck lunch with my church friends last Saturday. The potluck lunch made me think of my mom.
So, this Monday, I realized that I must go home, so that I will not spend too much time and energy thinking about my parents, my cute sister, and my fat brother. They were so happy to see me after one semester! They kept complaining how long they hadn’t seen me. Kekkeke, I felt kind of guilty.
Anyway, being home was so good and relaxing, and I finish watching Shrek 3 with my sister. It’s not that funny like Sherk1 and2, so don’t go to the movie theater for Shrek 3! Wait for DVD!
During the journey back to Taipei, I finish watching “The Holiday” and “Stranger than Fiction” on the bus. They were awesome! I am so moved to tears! Romantic comedy filmy is always my favorite kind of movie, and “The Holiday” is a good one!” The character that Jude Law stars in that movie is just a kind of men that I love. I always like Cameron Diaz’s sweet smile. If Jack Black appears around me, I am gonna crazy about him. Even looking at him would make me laugh! There are many scenes in that movie that I had felt the same way before, especially the scene that Kate Winslet talks to Jack Black about how she was madly in love and hurt by her ex-boyfriend. I love this movie because I found the past myself in the movie.

Also, I like “Stranger than Fiction” although at first I was bored because the taxman’s life is really boring. But the background music (Whole Wide World sang by Wreck Eric) in this scene was waking me up! The music was amazing! After the music, the taxman's life is totally upside down for the better! It makes me think of how sad it would be that my life is another cliche or routine narrated and controlled by a writer. I don't want a boring life like that! It would feel horrilble if I reach the end of my life.

Whole Wide World

When I was a young boy My mama said to meThere's only one girl in the world for youAnd she probably lives in Tahiti
I'd go the whole wide worldI'd go the whole wide worldJust to find her
Or maybe she's in the BahamasWhere the Carribean sea is blueWeeping in a tropical moonlit nightBecause nobody's told her 'bout you
I'd go the whole wide worldI'd go the whole wide worldJust to find her
I'd go the whole wide worldI'd go the whole wide worldFind out where they hide her
I'd go the whole wide worldI'd go the whole wide worldJust to find her
Why am I hanging around in the rain out hereTrying to pick up a girlWhy are my eyes filling up with these lonely tearsWhen there're girls all over the world
Is she lying on a tropical beach somewhereUnderneath the tropical sunPining away in a heatwave thereHoping that I won't be long
I should be lying on that sun-soaked beach with herCaressing her warm brown skinAnd then in a year or maybe not quiteWe'll be sharing the same next of kin
I'd go the whole wide worldI'd go the whole wide worldJust to find her
I'd go the whole wide worldI'd go the whole wide worldFind out where they hide her

Yayyyyy.. Life should be like an exciting adventure, not just another cliche!

I don't wanna stay in the safe circle of my world. I wanna explore the whole wide world and get some changes! (I know I am changing by God!) Yay (*Punk Gesture*---ermmm it looks like another cliche...Gee)

-------------------------------------------

Yesterday another huge excitment that I had is to talk to KT on MSN!!!!!Gosh! I really missed her SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so happy to find she also missed me!!! It's so sweet that she said that!!!!!!!That's one of the reasons that I like her. She's so open to share!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, Trojan War at Modern times!?

Uh huh..the invasion of Trojan horse not only ruins Troy at old times, but also kills me right now!

A week ago, I found my computer has infected computer virus, which is Trojan horse virus again. I try to ignore the warning of my computer because I was suffering from influenza viruses.

During this week, the Trojan horse virus kept showing its great power to attract my attention.

Here are its achievements:

1.Couldn't talk on MSN very smoothly.

2.Sometimes, unrecognizable windows suddenly appeared .

3. The speed of opening a file or document would be just like the walking pace of a turtle!

4. Bingo! There is also a Trjoan horse living in my USB Flash drive.

I thought they are not big deal until NOW!

I don't know what I was thinking and what's wrong with my hand.

Few minutes ago, while I started to work on my revision of research paper which was all stored in the USB Flash drive, the trojan horse appeared all of sudden and didn't allow me to open any file in my USB Flash drive. As soon as I saw the virus of trojan horse, I was out of my mind to format my USB Flash drive to kill the virus. I guess my hand was controlled by the spirit of Hector, who was the mightiest warrior on the side of Troy during the Trojan War.

Yahoo~~~Hector defeats the trjoan horse this time, but my important papers in usb are all gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm, I guess God is testing me!

A Visit to Taipei Jade Market

Thanks to the class,"Appreciation of Gems", I just visited Taipei Jianguo Jade Market in this afternoon .

It's amazing, and I love it. I've never been there, so I was so excited about eveything in Jade Mareket ! It is said to contain 873 jade stalls in the market, so it is one of biggest jade markets in Asia.

I was really amazed with its big size, the varity of the products, and the amount of its visitors!! After I got lost in MRT station, I finally reached the entrace of Taipei Jade Marekt. Before getting into the entrance, I could almost feel the lively atmosphere inside the jade market. There were full of people, foreingers, connoisseurs disscussing gems and jades in front of stalls with fervor.

There are so many jades, Jadeite, gems, crystals, corals, agates, accessories made of silver for sale. Most of them are not easy for me to recognise because I didn't work and learn hard in this class. +_+! I wish I could go to that class every time, so that I wouldn't always ask stupid questions to the stallmen. However, they are still kind to answer any question.

Actually, I am not that interested in jade because it's not popular for young people to wear jade in moder times in Taiwan. So, I only pay some attention to the jades for me to work on the report. Most of my attention was focused on the accessories made of silver, black achate, Turquoise, and Tourmaline(which has15 beautiful colors for different tourmaline stones.)!

(A collection of jade!)

(I don't prefer jade, but the one in the middle looks good. It made me think of wearing jade might be a cool idea.)

Tourmaline and other precious stones.

Turquoise: my birthstone.

This is my favorite stall. There are so many accessories made of silver . They are mainly from Napal and Thailand. Recently, I found myself look good in folk style sometimes, so I am gonna purchase somethings here next month. kekekeke

Stone carved in the shape of lichee with one real lichee on it.

Opal

I bought my earings in this stall.

I buy that pair of black achate earings to match my cross necklace. kekekeke, I have been looking for suitable earings to match my black cross necklace, and I got it. hahahahaha

hmm.. How come it looked ordinary in the picture!!??? Well.. I guess it's because I am too sleepy right now.

I had better go to bed.

Pray for My Health.

Lord Jesus, I need You.

I have been suffering from the cold for a week.
I have a really bad cough, a sore throat, running nose, and horrible voice!!!!
It's hard for me to prounce any normal voice of mine now. How weird!? haha (I really feel like my nickname, Duck now. )
In order to recover, I had gone to the doctor for 4 times. (Very amazing! I don't know why the doctor that I had gone to for 3 times is actually a a practitioner of Chinese medicine. He got a license of traditional Chinese medical science, but he works at a hospital of western medicine. I went to that hospital which look like very modern and western. He kept using the principle of traditional Chinese medical science to cure me of cold. As you all know, the treatment of traditional Chinese medical science would take a long time to recover. So, I cannot get better a little bit after taking so many medicine. I began to reget that I gave that doctor three opportunities. Thus, in this afternoon, I went to a new doctor!!!)
I cannot believe I would suffer tortures from a common cold so much.
The new doctor told me bad news.
My health condition: common cold-->bronchitis---> pneumonia
She gave me the medicine of antibiotics to take in order to prevent pneumonia.
Humm, I get a little better after taking antibiotics although I still feel dizzy and feel like I am not myself.

Anyway, hope I will get better soon because I am tired of the sickness and I need physical strength and clear brain to work on the final assignments and exams. (Next week is our final week. This semester will reach an end in the middle of June. I guess by the end of this semester, I will have to hang in there!!!)

Hope God will hear my pray and help me go through the sickness and difficulty of the fina week!!!!!
In Jesus name, Amen.

God, Are You Showing the Sign of My Future Job?

Dear God,
Tonight, I strongly feel like being a school psychologist (therapist) after talking with my best friend, “Pei-Syuan (It sounds like “passion” in Chinese)”.

You gave me my imperfectness.
I have been suffering from the imperfectness, but the imperfectness gave me keen eye and sensitive heart.
I can easily sense people’s struggle, pain, limitation, and what they might really think or feel.
Before I knew Jesus, I hate this talent of mine because seeing the pain of people made me feel the world was so imperfect and sad.

I think about my talent in a different way after knowing Katie and Jesus.

I learned from her and her blog that “Although everyone is imperfect, she still loves them.”
I forever keep this in mind, and it has been just like a seed grew in my mind.
When I try to put it into practice, my talent has been helping me build closer relationships with my friends and see my value. (My friends have been so willing to come to me and share their stories openly to me after I decided to accept people's imperfectness and love them. I love listening thier stories. I think I am so cool when I use my talent to listen to my friends about their life struggles and trying to help out. (or trying to help them see what is going on !!!)

It’s amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God, are YOU showing me one possibility of my future job?
Do you want me to be a psychologist (therapist)?

If so, can YOU show me more sign of your will?

Hey, Mr. Wrong, don’t get me wrong!

Hey, Mr. Wrong,
You know what!?
You look okay.
You are smart.
Your way of thinking is quick, logical, and clear.
You have sense and sensibility.
You keep trying to make achievement to prove that you look fine in managing yourself and your life.

I kind of know what kind of person you are and what kind of life that you want.

If any of my friends who is willing to come to me, and I wouldl always like to have a heart-to-heart with them. I am trying to listen to you, understand you, and encourge you because I treat you like my friends.
However, these doesn’t even count that I like you or I want to be your girlfriend. (I know where the bottom line between us is!)
I have to admit that I thought you were my type in the past, but I know you are actually not now.

You are dealing with the relationship with the material world and people well, you made everyone around you think you are good and many girls want you.

Well, you are NOT what I want now because you are NOT conscious of the relationship with God and you have little spirituality. I want a Mr. Right who has trinity of rationality, mentality, and spirituality, so I can gain a love which is made of trinity!
Only Mr. Right who has trinity is conscious of the meaning of life and the meaning of love, and that’s whom I want.

In this kind of love,

I know our body, mentality, and spirit would be just like together in one, although we are two different individuals.
We won’t feel being in the world is lonely.
We will be each other’s passion.
We will care about each other’s real need.
We will understand and accept each other’s imperfectness and all.
We will try to be support each other without any purpose or expectation.
We will still respect each other, and live the life so freely.

We will be so free, but also being so loved in the same time!


I know many people may say my requirement is too high, but I am going to stick to it!

Claire is overcome by anger and despair.

If my friends, Denise, Sean, Ruby, and Isa feel so depressed, they know Claire is always here for them being undersatnding and encouraging.



Now, I feel no good tonite, but I don't have anyone to listen to my pain and sorrow.


I guess I need You, Jesus my Lord.........................:(
Now I am overcomed by tears and despair, and I need You to comfort and understand my heart. I hope YOU will be with me tonite. You are needed!