Dream!?

面對 想要的夢想我總是充滿 恐懼 ~~也絕得自己不可能.....

怪罪在自己的疤痕..

把自己關在恐懼的暗牢裡~自怨自艾的受害心態遮住我的心眼

世界的新鮮和多元可能性被我擋在外頭

以受害者心態得過且過 安全 乏味地活著 ....真的是很糟踏我自己&踐踏上帝給我的生命!

一昧地羨慕別人的勇敢嘗試&突破自我.

抱怨自己無聊的日子&工作 這個選擇背後象徵我只敢跳進社會洪流.活著別人認為"正常&還可以"的生活

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::2010開始:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

我不想要這樣地活著!!!!!!!!!!

即使自己認知不可能~~但我總得試看看.人生才活一次!

2010開始 現在此刻!我要帶著即使可能被拒絕的恐懼.....勇敢往前衝 向 "我心中的想要"!!!!!!!!

試過了,才算真正活著!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

為大目標準備.

從3/23開始 我要開始prepare myself!

My bodyshape, my english proficiency, and better understanding about that industry, and time management.

我要活著.

我可以做到!

God has the best plan for me.

All I need to do is make goood preparation, get ready, and try my best!!!!!!!!!!!!!

我不要再說:"I wish I could become...., but..."

我要說"I wanna be ..., and I am going to ... to make it come true!"

Girl friends!

今天~~我跟Jessica 約見面 ,Dorcus也來了.
We had a great time.
很感謝她們願意接納我!
After telling them that secret, they still treat me like a friend.
讓我鬆了一口氣!

回家的路上.雖然很累.但心情很輕快...

Until...

My dad told me that my sister, also my roommate, decided to go to China!!!!!!!!!!
I was so shocked with this news.

Oh...after a while, when my brain started working, maybe it's not that shocking.
My sister is that kind of person who listens to my dad more to herself.
I felt kinda of sad for her.
I don't like my dad for trying to arrange our future. (Even though I am not working right now, I have the right to stand out for myself. =_=!)

I was curious about her thoughts and feelings.
However, she told me she's still thinking about whether to go to China or not.
She said part of herself would be willing to try, not because of my dad.
"I know what I am doing. ", she added.



Maybe I worried too much for her.
She's already an growup, not a child anymore.
She will take care of the decision.
No need me to bother. (That's how I felt from her bodylanguage using her back to face my caring talk.)



I guess we are learning to be a growup in different ways.
@@??

So many things happened recently, not matter I am ready or not!?
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

很感謝主的amazing安排
讓我在決定練習跨出那一步 which took me like 3 and half years.有好的結果！
有成熟的朋友誠懇地接納我.支持我.鼓勵我.關心我。
這些基督徒的朋友　她們很成熟　
願意試著去了解我的痛。
願意試著put their foot in my shoes. (I meant, they have empathy.)
They are grateful for willing to tell the secret.
這讓我很驚訝～～～

跟我過去的高中朋友不一樣～～～（那時候.大家都還年輕吧. They did't know how to deal with pain.）
他們不想去處理沉重的話題。。。




These Christian girl friends' 友善的接納.鼓勵.& Care。
減少我的緊張和恐懼！ 減少我的緊張和恐懼！
培養我的勇氣　和信心！
讓我慢慢累積力量　走下去..
低潮的時候,我可以想到他們...原來我不是孤單地獨自面對一切！
女生朋友　真好的！！呵呵～


Thank you, Naomi, Jessica, Dorcus, and God!!

Breakthrough

March 9th is a big day for me.
I did something very unsual today.

I told Naomi about my secret, 我的手.
Naomi was the leader of my life group in my church.
We talked from 6:30-9:00pm. (Such a long time, I know! Thanks for her patience!!!)
We discussed about my fear, past expiernce, my friendships, relationships...etc.
She opened her arms and heart to accpet me.
She tried hard to understand my English fragment.=_=!
She tried her best to show her understanding and empathy to my feelings.
Most importantly, she cared about and accepted the imperfect me.
She was like an angel with a merciful heart!!

After revealing my secret to her, It feels so real and also unreal right now to be accepted completely by someone who is not my family.
Seemly, the world is becoming different from what I thought.
我好像比較接近 真實地活著 一步了!
這感覺真奇妙. What a relief!!!

New discoveries:
1.With her support, I felt less lonely facing my pain.

2. Her sincere acceptance melted the thick defensive wall of my cold heart a bit, so I could feel a little more alive, joyful and hopful.

3.She suggested me to focus on God instead of myself. The more I trust in God, the stronger my shield against lies(Social value) is. How God sees me is different from how people see me!?
我不是我的手臂.

4. There's one min that I seemed to see Jesus through Naomi. @@?
Unconditional acceptance sounds so unreal, but it really happened to me today.

It felt so gooooooooooooooood to be UNDERSTOOD and ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!

What an amazing day. (Still feel like so unbelievale. )
Thank God.
Thank you a million, Naomi.

I wish I could accept myself like how Naomi accepts me.
Some day.



BTW:
Another unbelievable thing is that I can't believe the last time I logined in this blogspot account is more than two years ago. It's long enough for me to forget the account name and password.
So, it took me a while to get back the information through some complicated Blogspot processing.
Anyway, good to be back to life and get connected with a real me.
Today's small step means huge to me.
Though a step-by-step practice, I wish I could live a real life with joy, hope, and surprise.
I am so tired of living in a safe zone.

實實在在以如實的我自在的過日子 -2010的new year resolution.